ASK A MEXICAN!

Dear Mexican: Why is it that from my personal, thoroughly unscientific observations it seems blue-collar, illiterate Mexicans are more prone to cheating on their wives than other races? Almost every other Mexican I have known seems to brag about how they got it on with their mamacitas while their wife and daughters of 7 and 8 were busy at the Sunday church.

Cheatie Cheatie Bang Bang

Dear Gabacho: You're right -- sort of. In the landmark 1994 Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, researchers from the University of Chicago interviewed a random sample of 3,500 Americans and found that 25 percent of married men had strayed from their vows. Latino rates of infidelity were about the same, and lead researcher Edward Laumann told Hispanic Magazine that "he believed the stereotype of Latinos being more unfaithful than other people was overstated."

But there weren't enough funds to create a Spanish-language questionnaire, meaning most of the 300 or so Latinos surveyed were pochos and not immigrant Mexican men. In the mother country, though, male infidelity is as Mexican as the tricolor -- condoned by the church, tolerated by women, lionized in song. My favorite paean to cheating remains "Las Ferias de las Flores" ("The Flower Fairs"), a Chucho Monge composition immortalized by Trio Calavera that uses flowers as metaphors for mujeres and includes the immortal verse "And although another wants to cut her/I saw her first/And I vow to steal her/Even if she has a gardener."

So the question isn't why Mexican men cheat, Cheatie, but rather why we tone down our tools upon immigrating to this country. Notch another victory for Manifest Destiny, which since the days of Cotton Mather has labored long and hard to turn this nation's virile ethnic men into pussy Protestants.

Dear Mexican: I am a nice looking white girl with a great job and life. I recently starting seeing a Mexican guy, who I'm pretty certain I scare the crap out of. He has never dated a white woman before and seems very nervous around me. He also asks me about the education and status of my ex-husband and previous boyfriends. I really feel like he thinks he is not good enough for me, although I don't know why. He is gorgeous, hard-working and so kind. I have never been one to care about what someone does, where they are from or how much money they make. How can I get this guy to see that I really like him as a person and just relax?

Enamorada Gabacha

Dear Gabacha in Love: The first draft of my answer to your question ended this way: "You want to soothe your Mexican man's frayed nerves, Enamorada? Give him a blowjob."

Thinking this was too glib, I wrote a second draft in which I explained the minefield of race and class that you and your beloved will have to cross. I noted that dating a gabacha is the pinnacle of a Mexican man's sexual life, proof that he can navigate bedrooms as easily as borders. I cited the Orson Welles' classic Touch of Evil (notice white-hot Janet Leigh is married to Mexican protagonist Mike Vargas -- played by Charlton Heston in brownface) and I considered norteño super-group Los Tigres del Norte's "El Mojado Acaudalado" (The Wealthy Wetback): "Decía una güera en Florida/'I love you Mexican men'" (Said a white woman in Florida/"Amo a ustedes hombres mexicanos").

By the time I'd worked through all of that, I concluded that my first answer was best: nothing eradicates ego and all of its clunky superficialities (race, class, culture), nothing says I love you, nothing says "Welcome to America" like an old-school blowjob.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. Those of you who do submit questions: they will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!