ASK A MEXICAN!

Dear Mexican: Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger keep putting his foot in his mouth and talk smack about MEXICANS? To my understanding, his wife Maria is of Mexican descent. He's not only humiliating nuestra raza, but his wife, too. Please give the readers and I some input on the Governator.

Deep Sea Angler

Dear Wab: You're confusing your degenerate Catholics, cabrón: Maria Shriver is half-mick. But you're right about her husband. Californians elected the action hero in 2003 and last year under the assumption he would shake up partisan politics, but Schwarzenegger's only accomplishments in four years as governor are in Mexican bashing.

In the past, he's praised the Minuteman Project and claimed many Mexican immigrants "try to stay Mexican" in the United States. The latest examples emerged this month, when the Los Angeles Times unearthed year-old recordings of Schwarzenegger in which he compared illegal immigrants (read: Mexicans) to squatters in Zimbabwe who "come and land and you can't get rid of them," said the 1986 amnesty "has fucked the American people" and that "Mexicans don't make that effort" to assimilate and want to "create a Mexico within California."

Schwarzenegger isn't wholly evil -- the same tapes also feature him opposing mass deportations and a border fence. Indeed, the man is a genius. Though his English is still as accented as your average day laborer, Schwarzenegger nevertheless is Americanized enough to embrace the concept of Mexican exceptionalism, the uniquely gabacho belief that all immigrant groups assimilate into this great land except Mexicans. He acculturated enough to know that trashing Mexicans is the best way to bolster a floundering political or public career -- just ask Lou Dobbs.

Schwarzenegger also understands that an immigrant doesn't truly become an American until he dismisses the latest huddled masses as pendejos. Yet despite his beaner bashing, Schwarzenegger still has the huevos to do interviews with Spanish-language media and spends millions on campaign ads en español. Unimaginative Chicanos refer to the Austrian-born Schwarzenegger as a Nazi; I call him the melting pot writ large with steroids.

Dear Mexican: I'm a teacher, and just about every one of my wetback kids is obese. Why are wetbacks so fat?

Maestro of Nada

Dear Gabacho: All about the assimilation, chulo.

Dear Mexican: The local community center has an ongoing problem with Mexicans putting their feet on the walls during dances, weddings and other gatherings. This happens as they stand leaning against the walls and then put one foot back on the wall. Is this to look cool and attract the ladies? What it really does is dirty up the walls.

Foot Lose

Dear Gabacho: Try this experiment: visit your community center during a Mexican dance. Dance. And not the writhe-in-one-place moves nowadays favored by gabachos. Dance like a Mexican. Twirl like a gyroscope. Break a sweat to the mestizo polkas and waltzes blaring from the speakers. Cop an ass feel while you're at it. Dance non-stop for an hour. Gee, don't your legs hurt? Aren't your hamstrings sore? Wouldn't you like to stretch them out? It's bad manners to do it on a table, so the only other option Mexican dancers have are walls. Besides, what do you care if Mexicans dirty walls? Just gives them another cleaning job come mañana.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. Those of you who do submit questions: they will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!