Round and Round We Go

First things first -- before we delve into the realm of sports, we need to clarify a few lingering issues. I am 99 percent positive I am not the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. As luck would have it, she left all her worldly possessions to her son, the dead one.

There's absolutely no truth to the rumor Britney Spears shaved her... umm... head on a lost bet concerning TU basketball. At least during her alleged rehab stint the clinic will save on shampoo.

And finally, from the homophobic Olympics comes the revelation that Tim Hardaway, former NBA'er, doesn't care for gay people. He secured the gold medal emphatically. Of course his statement was probably taken out of context.

The real American Idol contest starts this week. Too bad, watching the untalented population sing like me is always more enjoyable than watching the Carrie Underwoods of the world.

Sports, right. The Tulsa Golden Hurricane hosted top-ten C-USA powerhouse Memphis a week ago--and it showed. The Reynolds Center's capacity is 8,355. The paid attendance for the clash was 6,081. Will consistent victories bring the fair-weather crowds back? Do these numbers bother you?

Moving right along. A show of hand please if you are tired of the ongoing Big Red dealership scandal in Norman. Now try to imagine the same aggravation times 100 and you might be getting close to coach Stoops ballpark.

"We are eager to move forward toward the conclusion of this matter," Oklahoma AD Joe Castiglione said in a statement. Proclamations like these are why he makes the big bucks.

To the NCAA investigators: fish or cut bait. Although poop or get off the pot may be a more direct challenge to the collegiate governing body. This fiasco is dragging on longer than a quadruple overtime game in college football.

An interesting side note -- does anyone else find it strange the Dallas Morning News and not the Oklahoman or the local daily reported the alleged third member of the Big Red scandal?

A get-together with the NCAA's Committee on Infractions is becoming an annual event for OU. Athletic director Joe Castiglione and football coach Bob Stoops are requested to be present on April 14 in Indianapolis for the meeting.

A year ago during the month formerly known for showers, Oklahoma appeared before the committee thanks to Kelvin Sampson's cell phone shenanigans. When will it all end?

Pretty soon the NCAA will demand college coaches keep tabs on their players 24/7. How on earth could OU have handled the situation any better? Aside from not recruiting 'the quarterback who shall no longer be mentioned by name'.

Perhaps Stoops should have quit dissecting game tape and drove around Norman looking for mischievous players. Rather than hold a post-practice meeting, he should preach virtues and hold hands while singing Kumbaya.

Instead of equipment managers, the university should employee secret service agents to follow players around to keep them out of trouble.

It's the crazy alums and fans, people, not the players or coaches. Rant off.

Circle Circle Dot Dot. I don't get NASCAR but I'm trying, I'm trying real hard. There must be something to the 'sport'.

NASCAR pulls in the second highest television ratings in the U.S. NFL is king of the hill but NASCAR is closing in fast.

So with the start of the new season, why not give it another shot. What better way to 'get into' the sport than hanging out with your buddies downing a few brewskies.

The Super Bowl of NASCAR took place this past Sunday which begs the question. Will we ever refer to the final football game as the Dayton 500 of football? Probably not.

It seems NASCAR fans don't care for Tony Stewart. Looks like I have a new favorite driver in the #20 car. Nine laps into the race and one of the announcers says Dale Jr. is "loose as can be." Translation anyone?

Honestly, at this point of the race no one is watching. This is a spectacle spanning over three hours but may only be viewed for 30 minutes total? Am I missing something here?

The announcers take a piss break and let the engines roar. The reverberations are fantastic. In surround sound, it rocked the ears. I imagine this is one of the aspects bringing live audiences to the tracks in droves.

Stewart and Kurt Busch wipe out with 47 laps to go. Busch wisely remains in his car with helmet securely fastened while issuing an apology to the ill-tempered Stewart. Now we're racin'.

Again -- the cars are "getting loose". Got it. The next wreck was a big one with 27 laps to go. Last year's cheater, I mean winner, Jimmie Johnson bites it. Too bad. Perhaps his car got 'loose'.

Number 22's tire blows out and he jets through the pit area and slams into a wall across the track while other drivers swerve to miss him. My main man Gene-O sums it up best. "He looks like an old man merging onto 169."

We now have nine laps to go and the living room is packed with interested parties. "They are running four abreast." Thanks for that tidbit.

The end was confusing. No one could quite explain with any degree of certainty what happens with a yellow caution flag and three laps to go. Overtime? I guess.

Awesome finish as Kevin Harvick overtakes the venerable Mark Martin by .123 seconds at the tape. Martin seemed to get 'loose' at the end. This wouldn't happen if he still drove the Viagra car.

I think I'm getting the hang of this sport. Drink beer, eat food, party and tune in with 10 laps left in the race. Check, check, check and we'll see.

The Dayton 500 definitely concluded on a higher note than (insert pop celebrity de jour here).