THE ADVICE GODDESS

Whine, Women And Song

I'm a 37-year-old single, never-married man. I have a decent career, own my own home, and I'm debt-free. What could possibly be the problem? Women have never asked me out, offered to buy me a drink, or even opened a door for me. The only women who've acknowledged me this year are two realtors who offered to sell my home (of course, for a fee). I'm tired of asking women out because it's us men who have to figure out whether a woman's married, seeing someone, or is a lesbian. This past year, I've asked out several women only to have them snub me or give me the wrong number. Now, my only revenge is to never patronize female-owned businesses. Women have never done anything for me, and I will pass my philosophy on to other men, because I've just had it!

Women Are Jerks

So, for you, going fishing must mean standing on the dock holding a frying pan over the water, snarling, "Why hasn't a trout leapt into my pan?!"

I do wish your "Life should be fair!" approach worked. Unfortunately, I find stamping my feet and shouting "I should be a multimillionairess!" merely seems to lead to sore feet. And, what a shock, a woman has yet to spot you in a bar and say to her friend, "Hey, see that man down there who looks like he hates humanity? Bet he's debt-free and owns his own home. I think I'll go ply him with alcohol, then beg him to go out with me!"

In most animal species, it's the males that are the sexual aggressors. Boy elk have big antlers to show dominance and get girl elk--not to give people a place to hang their hats in Western-themed bars. Human women are attracted to men who have the guts to make moves on them and ask them out--as opposed to men who stand around primping their hair and smoothing their dresses, hoping against hope that some girl will hit on them.

Sure, women can ask men out on first dates, but men tend to suspect there's something wrong with women who do. Women evolved to be the nightclub bouncers of mating and dating--weeding out cads from dads, lest they become single mothers in the days before Kwik-E-Marts and portable Sony PlayStations. Men co-evolved to keep trying to crash the door. These days, men and women might be equal under the law, but that doesn't mean they're biologically the same. (Notice that funny hosey thing dangling between your thighs?) Male bodies are just coursing with the ideal chemical for doing the asking out, the aggression hormone testosterone. On average, men have 10 to 20 times more "T" than women do; well, save for violent female criminals and any women you might encounter with Winnebago-sized pecs and full beards.

Maybe if you put yours to better use--trying to charm your way into dates instead of trying to run anybody with labia out of business--you'll have better luck with the ladies. Of course, this assumes you actually want dates, and you don't secretly prefer the safety of feeling victimized to the risky business of attempting to be happy. Look around. There are a whole lot of men out there with wives and girlfriends. Hmmm, is it possible the problem is you? After all, unbridled hostility is always such a girl magnet. In fact, there are probably millions of more successful approaches--starting with going to bars dressed as a '70s pop mogul, and asking every woman you meet, "Hey, baby, how 'bout I lick that film off your teeth?"

Weight By The Phone

After four years, my much-younger girlfriend decided she couldn't be as good a girlfriend as she wanted to be, and broke off our relationship to develop her self-awareness and self-respect. She said she'd call in a few years when she gets herself straightened out. I accepted that, but now I feel trapped. If I get a new girlfriend, and she calls back, I could cause the new girlfriend unjust pain by leaving her for my previous girlfriend. Help!

Moral Bind

People don't always say exactly what they mean, or expect to hear exactly what you mean. That's why it's generally understood that the appropriate response to "How are you?" isn't "Oh, my irritable bowel's been acting up again"--even if that happens to be the truth on stilts. This girl may be finding herself now, or she may be finding herself in some other guy's bed. Where she'll find herself in a few years is anyone's guess. All you can control is where you'll be--ideally, not in the mind state to turn a probable sugarcoated curb-kicking into reason to build the world's first altar with call waiting and Bluetooth.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com.