Cat Fight

I'm getting fed up with all you Paris Hilton wannabes and your yappy little pets. Really? Does your dog need bloomers, an overcoat, painted nails? My feline friends and I would never don such atrocities. We are much too good and smart for that human business.

Even if we do think we are the kings and queens of this earth, we don't need our own special place to show it! Dog parks? Really? What's next, a bird park with a giant cage where Tweeters can fly around undisturbed? Actually, you should build that right next to your dog park...that'd be fun to watch. All that inane yipping you people love so much would be deafening. Serves you right.

I deserve a space of my own to play, relax and be myself without having to worry about the dumb neighbors getting all pissy about me basking in their yards.

We felines get nothing except human hands that rub us too hard and pick us up when all we want to do is take a freakin' nap. Nocturnal, hello!

Here's what the cat park will need: 20 giant scratching posts (you know, like a strip joint for cats) covered with only the finest material (plush waterproof velvet). In one area, we would like an organic catnip garden plot. Please keep it nicely trimmed though. The rest of the area can include another activity of your choosing, as long as it's accessible in any weather. In fact, it should probably be covered in case it rains. Cats all over the world have tried to convey our distaste for water, but we've come to accept your modest intellect. Oh yes, and don't forget the sandbox.

There should also be a breeding operation for free-range rodents and birds. You could borrow a few from your bird park. But please make sure these snacks are in optimal health.

As far as all of the dog parks popping up everywhere, this whole thing needs neutering. Do you really need multiple places to choose from on where to take your dog? Give me a scratch. Cat park funding starts now...