What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
What? Too soon?
Two stories have kept "journalists" across the nation busy the past week or so. Should either have elicited this much press?
We'll start locally. Here is a completely fabricated transcript of the past few weeks from the eye of the Bob Stoops' storm. If you haven't heard, Notre Dame fired their coach and Stoops--as he is every year--was a leading candidate.
"I plan to coach in Norman next year," said Bob Stoops at the beginning of the saga.
Reports surfaced in NFL circles that Stoops was all but signed to lead the Golden Domers next year. This revelation coming after his original denial.
"Is it true? Please deny again for 'my readers,'" asked Oklahoma-based sports writers.
"There is no truth to the rumors. I will not lie. I am coaching at the University of Oklahoma next year," Stoops said again.
More innuendo-fill reports leaked. Stoops' contingent was now fielding contract offers from Notre Dame.
Stoops has already made a statement but now text messages from Oklahoma-based reporters are blowing up his phone: "R u staying -- yes or no?"
A newspaper from Chicago, the same city that once declared "Dewey defeats Truman" was now declaring Stoops was back in the Notre Dame mix.
At this point, Stoops is calling his wireless provider to add additional minutes and unlimited texting. While on the phone with a representative in India named Roger, he gets this voice message.
"Bob, I know you've denied this little Notre Dame thing once or thrice, but can you just say no in a different way so that I... errr... my readers will believe you?"
Comical isn't it?
At what point does Stoops just wake up and send a press release with two letters in all caps, "NO."
Then he could revert to his old calling plan and save a couple of bucks.
Or could he? Wouldn't the "NO" presser require an 800-word column breaking down the meaning of NO? What font was used? Did NO mean NO to Notre Dame or NO to returning to Norman?
Into the Woods
Speaking of silly journalism, how about Tiger Woods. We try to keep the sports flavor Tulsafied. However, Tiger transcends all for two reasons.
First of all, he has played in three golf tournaments at Southern Hills, which practically makes him a native Tulsan. Secondly, he's the most famous American sports icon today. Let's talk turkey.
I tried to explain to my wife that Tiger's extra-marital affairs gave married men across the globe a free pass to fool around. "Hey, if Tiger can do it, why can't all men? He's a role model."
She turned red and mumbled something about a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. Then, she mentioned a scene from Pulp Fiction featuring the gimp.
Help me out Urban Tulsa faithful. Name another sport's topic that elicited this many columns or stories about something not remotely related to sports.
The Kobe Bryant ordeal grabbed headlines, but NBA playoffs were affected, and he was accused of sexual assault. Much different, right?
Sports writers nationwide pound their chest and beat their drums demanding Tiger hold a press conference: "Come clean Tiger!"
Look, I'll be the first to admit the story is intriguing. I'm not a TMZ-type person. The National Enquirer has funny pics and captions, while I'm standing in line a Reasors. That's the extent.
I don't care how many women George Clooney has bagged. What happened between John Travolta and his son in the hotel is between them. Brad Pitt choosing Angelina or Jennifer has no barring on my life. These topics are uninteresting to me.
However, Tiger's sexcapades are riveting. We've learned he really likes white women. He is no George Clooney in the sack. He's on the hook for 60 million bucks via a reworked prenup. These interest me because Tiger is the No. 1 golfer in the world.
However, I don't want to read about these personal issues in my sports magazines or Web sites. Let me know when he's back on the course. If I'm so inclined to keep tabs on his conquest, I can search the dirt sites.
Ninety-three percent of all sports fans (including you) will complain about the BSC and bowl system in the next month's time. One hundred percent of you will watch parts of several bowl games and a couple in their entirety.
Here are a few initial thoughts on several with local interest.
Hard to believe the University of Tulsa missed out this year. Too bad. As you'll hear 30 times between now and the title game, the extra practice time is invaluable.
Sun Bowl: Dec. 31. Oklahoma drew Stanford in a battle of the reds. Pac 10 versus Big 12. Lots to talk about in this intriguing matchup, but a competitive game hinges on OU's ability to stop the run.
Cotton Bowl: Jan. 2. Remember when the Cotton Bowl kicked off the New Year's Day slate of games? Oklahoma State battles Mississippi again. It seems like just yesterday we witnessed a Josh Fields/Eli Manning tilt. Ole Miss has the edge in coaching.
BCS Title Game: Jan. 7. Undefeated Texas against undefeated Alabama. I wish TCU was involved.
Do OU fans root for Texas in a show of support for fellow Big 12'ers? I say no. Pull for Bama, and it's a win/win. Bama will destroy Texas, and you'll sound smart for predicting the outcome, plus bonus watching Texas looking silly on the big stage.
Tis the season.
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