¡ASK A MEXICAN!

Dear Mexican: Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must, but because it's more efficient) and every time someone requests to stop, you hear "Stop Requested," then this parrar bullshit! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherfuckers. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I'm tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than TRUE American Citizen cause I don't "meet the qualifications." Qualifications? I have a degree! My English in damn-near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!

- Sick of All of You

Dear Gabacho: Between your point in insisting you don't ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action, and your fucked-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers) I'll peg you as a working-class gabacho who'd rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese.

Dear Mexican: Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don't your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don't have to do any heavy lifting. There's so much more I want to know about Mexican culture like, "Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music?" or "Why doesn't Mexico just apply to become our 51st state?" or "Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia?" If you're really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or 10 questions a week. Andale, for crying out loud!

- The Blue Prince Of Dallas

Dear Gabacho: I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station, where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don't know if you've heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, with some periódicos that carried my columna folding during the past year, others running me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence?

2009 has been a tough year for all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes, and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It's the 200th anniversary of Mexico's liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Let's begin the New Year with good: the winners of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of this place, and if you don't like the winner, you should've entered the contest, pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not the air!

THE RESTAURANTE WINNER: No one in Orange County. Sorry, folks of my beloved patria, but your selections were no bueno. Don't you read our food section?!

NO WINNER. Sorry, cabrones, but ustedes wrote me love letters that went above the 25-word maximum for this contest. Comprende contest rules?

ALBUQUERQUE. Lo mejor de los restaurantes mexicanos de Albuquerque tiene que ser Padilla's Mexican Kitchen. They're so good they don't even open on Saturday or Sunday! 1510 Girard Blvd. NE, Albuquerque, (505) 262-0115.

DALLAS. Cuquita's. The Holy Trinity is present, mi hermano: frijoles refried in lard, abuelita's arroz, tortillas de maiz upon arrival. Start guacamole, order milaneza, finish horchata. Multiple locations.

EL PASO. Chico's Tacos--need I write more?

FLAGSTAFF. La Fonda efficiently serves big hot fresh plates of what seems real Mexican food. They're not corporate and they employ people from same neighborhood. 1900 N. 2nd St., Flagstaff, (928) 779-0296.

HOUSTON. El Buey y la Vaca: There is a huge community pot of charro beans in the corner free for everyone, and the salsa bar is never clean but you can tell the salsa is always super fresh.

LOS ANGELES. Enrique's is so accustomed to great reviews in print that they no longer care. Their walls are full. Delicious, big portions approved by Mexican natives. 6210 Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach, (562) 498-3622.

NEW YORK

Tacos El Rey has the best chilaquiles my wife has every tasted, and their sopa de pollo is a meal in itself. Perhaps to accommodate the surrounding Russian/Jewish community the flavors are mild and the decor your basic serapes and sombreros, but the clientele is 90% raza. 3168 Coney Island Ave., Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, (718) 769-0116.

PHOENIX. You must visit the Barrio Cafe. Just don't go on Mondays. That puerta will be cerrada. Why's it so bueno? Two words for your sister: comida chingona. Three words for your madre: comida orgullosamente Méxicana. 2814 N. 16th St., Phoenix, (602) 636-0240.

SALT LAKE CITY. Oh, hell yeah. A Mexican-Mormon started this great local chain in Salt Lake City called Cafe Rio that is sure to please. It is not really Mexican food, of course, but it sure as hell tastes good. It is given in typical Mormon quantities, of course.

SAN FRANCISCO. Mission, 3am, battle-staggers and hunger-pangs. Oh, for tender carnitas perfectas, salsa picante solamente. Mira! That beloved Golden Beacon doth Shine; El Farolito. Salvation! 2779 Mission St., San Francisco, (415) 824-7877; www.elfarolitoinc.com.

TUCSON. El Indio es lo mejor! Soy un gabacho pero it's wonderful food. Most local Mexicans eat there. Come try it! 3355 South 6th Ave., Tucson, (520) 620-0504.

Ask the Mexican at HYPERLINK "mailto:themexican@askamexican.net" themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!