POSTED ON OCTOBER 31, 2012:
Your Vote Counts Here
Choose "Tulsa's Official Badass" of 2012By Dwayne Davis
ote for me, and all of your wildest dreams will come true." Pedro's classic line in Napoleon Dynamite was a show stopper. Speech writers for Obama and Romney are feverishly working similar promises into their last minute sales pitch to America.
Fighting and politics go together like fighting in politics. Roughly 60 percent of the U.S. Senate is comprised of lawyers. Try and convince me they are not game for a little back-and-forth brawl.
Much like fighters, they are not above a little bloodshed to come out on top. Victory by submission or knockout gives them more credibility in the eyes of their peers as well.
Let's cast our own votes, Tulsa style. Your vote in Oklahoma for the presidency likely will not matter. However, if you vote in this election, I can guarantee it will be tabulated. Worthy candidates plus no hanging chads equals a true winner.
There is no combat-sports constitution we can look to for guidance. We have no electoral college babysitting our vote. So allow me to set up some loosely defined instructions.
Five candidates will be up for election. To what office you ask? How about "Tulsa's Official Badass?"
The winner will be featured in an upcoming column where they will accept their role as "Tulsa's Official Badass" and state their plans for future ass kicking.
In the following section we will, in alphabetical order, list five fighters. Most of their credentials will be 100 percent accurate. But in the spirit of misinforming the voting public we will absolutely throw in an embellishment or two.
The gloves are in your cage now.
--Randy "Boom Boom" Blake (25-1) Previously undefeated; young Blake battled legendary kickboxer Mirko Cro Cop in the K-1 main event in Japan a few weeks ago. He came out on the short-end of the judges' scorecards but managed to drop the Croatian Sensation in the third round with a straight right.
Blake's highlight reel includes several drop-jaw knockouts. His next fight is scheduled for November 16 back inside The Joint. His interview skills have drastically improved thus his state of the union speech should impress. He once rescued an otter from the shark tank at The Oklahoma Aquarium. He is the lone kickboxer up for election.
--Josh "The Beast" Bryant (15-1) Bryant smashed Shonie Carter around the cage, casino and parking lot in his last bout at the River Spirit Event Center. He earned the King of the Cage interim middleweight championship in the process.
Bryant's stint on The Ultimate Fighter back in 2010 paved the way for his popularity in Tulsa. He united three of the top gyms in Tulsa under one roof. The mega training facility known as The Factory was his brain child. He does a weekly guest host appearance on the Big Mad Morning Show, so his speaking chops are refined. He is the only known fighter to pull off a successful double-leg takedown on the famed Golden Driller.
--Allen Green (31-4) At one point Green was considered a top-10 super middleweight contender in boxing. He was a featured fighter on ESPN. He ended careers.
He travels to Montreal on Nov. 3 to battle Renan St. Juste. A win would revive his once promising career. A loss to the French Canadian and we may have to revoke his Tulsa citizenship. Consider St. Juste the Maginot Line. Role through him and your candidacy gets an instant boost.
--Gerald "Hurricane" Harris (21-4) Harris is riding a four-fight win streak. He compiled an impressive 3-1 record in the UFC including two "Fight of the Night" bonuses. His slam of David Branch made Sports Center's Top Ten Plays and earned praise from LeBron James.
Harris faces Josh Burkman Nov. 3 on NBC Sports Network. He hopes the World Series of Fighting promotion is more stable than his short run in the Japan-based DREAM. The self-proclaimed fight-o-median is comfortable in front of large crowds on the microphone. He recently quit his day job at the Daily Planet after citing their lack of dedication to news.
--Trey "That Just Happened" Houston (11-1) The guy who looks least like a fighter may have the most upside. The gym jumper seems to have landed at The Factory where guys his size can push him and bring out the best. He finishes fights.
The 24-year-old Bellator veteran has fast-twitch muscle reaction. He might be better served dropping to the welterweight division since he gives up size in the middleweight division. But he holds a speed advantage and always gets off first. He was last seen winning an oversized giraffe at the state fair, handing it to a little girl while kissing a baby on the forehead.
There were omissions. Here are the honorable mentions and why they did not make the final ballot in rapid-fire style.
Levi Avera is too retired. Mike Budnik lives in Chicago now. Mikey Burnett is way too retired. David Heath does not fight enough. Thomas Longacre fights anyone in any discipline. Josh Pulsifer is too Platypusy. Clayton Robinson remains grounded. Daniel Roberts was recently cut by the UFC. Dylan Smith has too many rematches on his record. Andrew Todhunter is too green. Matt Wiman is too handsome.
Vote for Pedro. Or not. But do yourself and these warriors a favor.
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