POSTED ON JULY 30, 2008:
The Advice Goddess
Where There's a Will There's A Gay
I've been out a lesbian for several years and am only attracted to women. A close male friend recently confessed his feelings for me. I've known him for years, and we connect in a way I've never connected with anybody. If he were a woman, I'd consider him my soul mate. If only I could somehow make myself bisexual. I love him, but have no desire for mutual pants-less-ness. In fact, the idea of sleeping with him grosses me out. Does no sex have to mean no relationship? Lots of hetero women have low sex drives, and lots are married! Should I give a relationship a try, but mandate that pants must be worn at all times?
--Dream Or Disaster Waiting To Happen?
Picture your situation as an episode of "Fear Factor." Host Joe Rogan turns to you and says, "Okay, missy, it's time...strip down to your bra and panties and lie in bed with your soul mate!" You freeze and whisper to Rogan, "Is it too late to take the night in the body bag with giant hissing cockroaches, flesh-eating worms, crickets and stink beetles?"
It seems you're a lesbian, not a "lesbian" who takes vacations-hopping the ferry from the Isle of Lesbos to the mainland for the occasional hetero holiday. But, hey, why let that stop you from getting into a relationship with a straight guy? After all, as you point out, lots of hetero women have low sex drives, and lots of them are married (ideally, to men who also have low sex drives). The question is, do you have a low sex drive? Or, better yet, a nonexistent one? Does he? If not, you can announce that there will be none of that "mutual pants-less-ness," and he could be nodding like a bobblehead, but consciously or subconsciously, he'll be thinking, "Nah, I'll get there. Just a matter of time." It isn't a malevolent thing, just how guys are wired. Little by little, he'll work on wearing you down: "We'll just watch a movie on the couch." "Just take off your shirt." "Just take off your sports bra."
So you have "feelings" for the guy; I mean, in addition to finding him sexually repellant. You've known him forever, you have this amazing connection...why not add a whole new level to your relationship? No, not sex-bitterness and resentment, after he's hurt that you won't just try a little ride or two, and you're hurt that he just won't stop trying. But, if only he were a woman! If only you were bi!-as if bisexuals are the garbage dump of sexuality, attracted to anyone, as long as they're a man or a woman. Go ahead, keep wishing, but it won't change the fact that the partner for you doesn't have a hairy chest and a big package (except, perhaps, on Tuesdays at 8 pm at the drag king show at GirlBar).
So, what happened? Tough times in lesbotown with the last few girlfriends? As hard as it is to find somebody you connect with on all the important levels, you can't settle for somebody you connect with on almost all the important levels. Be this guy's friend by making him aware of how utterly nuts it would be for you to be his girlfriend. Be kind, but hit hard enough to knock the illusions out of his head: "Nothing personal, but my idea of an intense night in bed with the man I love is a heated political debate yelled between the top bunk and the bottom."
I last wrote you upon learning my wife had three previous husbands, not two. After enduring her lies and spending issues, plus having her deny me sex for seven years (starting with a sharp elbow in my chest when I tried to spoon), I'm out. I'm thrilled it's over, but terrified to start a relationship and possibly repeat the horror.
-Some Encouragement, Please
On seven separate occasions, Bank of America's tellers handed out a total of $12,000 of my money to thieves, including a woman with missing teeth and a fake driver's license in my name with the wrong expiration date. Meanwhile, their spokeslady, Betty Riess, brags to the media that they have "multiple layers of security." Uh, such as...asking a thief whether she'd like my money in $10s, $20s or $100s? You probably have a similar method for vetting women-pretty much just hoping they are who they claim to be. The good news is, finding an honest woman isn't a crapshoot. Just be vigilant. Listen, observe, analyze. Take your time. Most people can't entirely hide who they are unless you help by closing your eyes and crossing your fingers-behavior that can lead to dangerous unprotected sex; in your case, spooning without a hockey goalie chest guard.
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