POSTED ON JANUARY 7, 2009:
The Advice Goddess
Skanks for the Memories
Two days after my job took me to London for six weeks, my girlfriend's ex spent the night at her house. They broke up several years ago, but work together, and are friendly. Apparently, this fella got too drunk to drive, and slept on her couch. "Nothing happened." I wasn't too happy with this. The next night, they went out with friends, and he pressed her to sleep at his place because it's closer to the bar. She demurred. In her words, "He might've tried something while I was asleep. He has before." To me, this is all entirely inappropriate. She insists I don't trust her and has managed to turn herself into the offended party. She claims she's just "one of the guys," with many male friends - one she has to e-mail secretly because his wife heard her joking voicemail that she was "wearing nothing but a feather boa." She finally stopped calling her guy friends stuff like "my hot beef injection," but only after I threatened to walk. Am I justified in thinking her behavior shows a lack of respect for me and our relationship?
-Seeking Third Opinion
As completely unnecessary things go, your girlfriend's revelations are up there with left-handed mugs and automotive lingerie, also known as "the car bra." There you are, thousands of miles across the pond, and your girlfriend's calling to fill you in on what almost happened, and what almost happened again the next night. Oh, and it's almost happened some other times, and perhaps did happen, while she was sleeping. What, exactly, do you say to that, "Yeah, Honey, great to hear your voice, too!"?
Like your girlfriend, you're "one of the guys." Just wondering, when's the last time you strolled into the sports bar and shouted across the place - not "Yo, Jack!" or "Hey, Frank!" but "Well, if it isn't my hot beef injection!"? And I'm guessing it's been quite some time since you left a voicemail informing your best buddy, "I'm wearing nothing but my Batman boxers..."
Girls who really are just one of the guys know it doesn't take much to work a guy up, and friends don't drool down friends' cleavage. There are women who throw a little sexual swagger into their speech for shock value, but what's the value in shocking you? Chances are Princess Pottymouth is seriously insecure, and probably not ready for a relationship. Even if she isn't cheating, her desperation for sexual validation from men takes priority over your feelings and the relationship. A caring, emotionally together woman would make you feel like the only guy in the world, not the only guy who has to take an international flight to get in line to sleep-grope her.
Your girlfriend might talk dirty to lots of guys, but she reserves fighting dirty for you, shutting down your feelings by acting like the offended party: "Well, I'm mad, too!" Yes, she is. She's offended that you're offended. What a convenient way to never be wrong. What's more, she insists her identity is wrapped up in saying and doing stuff that creeps you out. Maybe, like many people, you don't feel justified breaking up until your girlfriend does something egregious like cheating. But, isn't it egregious enough never knowing what nauseating thing your little dumpling will say next? If so, where you went wrong was in not acting more wronged from the start - telling her in no uncertain terms what you don't have the stomach for, and being willing to walk (and not just around the block once or twice after slamming the door for effect).
Missing the Pointy
My girlfriend's closet is full of high-heeled shoes. In fact, I think she has about 30 pairs that are slightly different shades of black. I have a pair for work, a pair for working out, a pair of hiking boots, and a pair with holes for around the garage. Somehow, I'm able to pass stores without feeling compelled to stock up on 30 more of each. However do I manage?
Yes, however do you manage to avoid buying accessories that throw back your shoulders and arch your back, making your man-boobs look bigger? Those, write psychologist Nancy Etcoff in "Survival of the Prettiest," are some of the things high heels do for the ladies. Because male sexuality is visually driven, women gussy up, spending piles more money than men - not only on shoes, but on clothes and glittery bits. Women do like a good-looking guy in good-looking shoes, but evolved to prioritize power, potential, and the ability to provide. That's probably why men's shoes are made for walking, while women's shoes are made for attracting men walking to their $80,000 sports cars. (There's a reason they don't call those things on her feet "come to the library with me" pumps.)
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