POSTED ON DECEMBER 19, 2012:
Christmas Shopping for Jocks
Gift ideas for the headline makers
The holiday season can be one of the most frustrating times of the year with heavy traffic, scarce parking, and cold weather. That's before dealing with masses of people at shopping centers across the country, hoping to find gifts their loved ones won't return or, worse, re-gift.
Somewhere out there, the biggest names in the world of sports have loved ones searching for the perfect gift for them as well. Like most celebrities, athletes can be difficult to shop for. Because most professional athletes make tons of money, finding an appropriate gift can be an intimidating task.
Luckily, I'm here to help guide people on their quest to please some of the sporting world's biggest personalities.
Bob Stoops -- Head Coach, University of Oklahoma football
2012 was a rough year for Stoops and his Sooners. Like most seasons, the Sooners began the year ranked in the top 5 of most college football polls. Unfortunately, losses to Kansas State and Notre Dame soured the Sooners' hopes of a national championship. As a result of their ho-hum season, 12th ranked Oklahoma was relegated to the non-BCS Cotton Bowl, where they will face 10th ranked, Texas A&M.
Gift: Though the Sooners ranked 10th in offense this season, their abysmal 44th ranking in total defense was largely responsible for their lackluster season. What better gift for a coach with perennial defensive issues than a Safewatch Pro security system from ADT? As for the $35.99 monthly service fee, well, Stoops and his $4.8 million annual salary shouldn't have any trouble footing that.
Of course, a visit from former Sooners defensive coordinator Brent Venables might go a long way too.
James Harden -- Guard, Houston Rockets
After winning the hearts of NBA fans in Oklahoma, last year's NBA Sixth Man of the Year declined a $55.5 million contract extension from the Oklahoma City Thunder after months of negotiation with Thunder GM Sam Presti. At the league's free agent signing deadline, Presti decided something was better than nothing and traded Harden to the Rockets in a package deal that saw the Thunder acquire guard Kevin Martin among others.
Thus far in the 2012 NBA season, the Oklahoma City Thunder has continued its winning ways, amassing an NBA-best 18-4 record with Martin filling in nicely for the departed sixth man. Meanwhile, the Houston Rockets have struggled to stay afloat after a hot start, currently possessing a 10-11 record.
Gift: A 1985 Delorean DMC-12 and two pellets of plutonium. With one acceleration to 88 mph, Harden could undo what looks to be the biggest mistake of his career.
Bobby Petrino -- Former Head Coach, University of Arkansas football
Outside of anyone associated with Penn State University, Bobby Petrino had quite possibly the worst year of any individual in college sports. After molding his Razorbacks into a national-championship-caliber team, Petrino's life was dramatically altered after a motorcycle crash in April. Shortly following the accident it was revealed the 51-year-old Petrino had been riding with a 25-year-old female employee of his, Jessica Dorrell, with whom Petrino had an intimate relationship. Petrino, a husband and father of four, lied about the accident, stating he was alone, and once the truth was revealed, the university released Petrino.
Gift: One of the most common questions surrounding the holiday season is what to get the philandering middle-aged hornball who has it all. The answer is quite simple: a chastity belt from ChastityBeltForMen.com (yes, it exists). Contact his lady friend for assistance in choosing the appropriate size.
Ross Parmley -- Former Athletic Director, Tulsa University
In January of this year, Parmley became the youngest athletic director in Conference USA history. While investigating Oklahoma City bookie Teddy Mitchell for felony activity, the FBI interviewed a number of Mitchell's clients. One of them was Parmley.
The FBI later stated that Parmley admitted he was a gambler and had placed bets with Mitchell on both college and professional football games, leading TU president Steadman Upham to fire Parmley earlier this month.
Gift: If you're shopping for Parmley, you're in great luck. There is a virtual cornucopia of gifts for those looking to roll the dice and get rich quick. Books like Black Jack for Blood: The Card-Counter's Bible and The Definitive Guide to Betting on Football make great gifts for gambling degenerates of all ages.
If books won't suffice, Parmley should enjoy one of the many income-enhancing programs from the likes of Tom Vu, Carlton Sheets, or that annoying guy with all the question marks on his clothes. For information on how to order one of these programs, just tune to any local non-network TV station between the hours of 3 and 5am.
Bonus stocking stuffer idea: CDs make great stocking stuffers. Why not pad Parmley's stocking with a re-mastered release of Kenny Roger's 1978 classic The Gambler? Nothing gets a gamester's blood pumping quite like Rogers' treasured ode to risk-taking. "You got to know when to fold 'em."
Josh Hamilton -- Outfielder, Los Angeles Angels
After a troubled adult life, filled with drug addiction and alcohol abuse, Hamilton achieved one of the greatest comebacks in the history of sports, winning the American League MVP in 2011 and playing in back-to-back World Series as a member of the Texas Rangers.
Hamilton suffered a significant decline toward the end of this season, resulting in an early playoff exit for the Rangers. During the 2012 AL Wild Card game, Rangers fans lustily booed Hamilton as the Baltimore Orioles quickly ended the team's hopes of returning to a third consecutive World Series.
Last week, the free agent Hamilton signed a five-year, $125 million deal with the rival Los Angeles Angels, ending his career in Texas and significantly diminishing the Rangers' hopes of winning a World Series in 2013.
Gift: Now that Hamilton has moved from the relatively tame city of Dallas to the land of glamour, glitz, and excess, it seems only a matter of time before Hamilton punches his ticket to re-board the proverbial wagon. Why not get Hamilton something he'll surely put to good use: an AlcoMate digital breathalyzer. Hey, they're even available in keychain size!
Gary Bettman -- Commissioner, National Hockey League
There is probably no executive more loathed in the world of sports than Bettman. Previously responsible for the longest labor stoppage in the history of professional sports, Bettman and his league's owners seem primed to break their own record this year. This season, the NHL has already canceled about half its regular season schedule and in all likelihood, the entire season will be wiped away in the coming weeks. Many close to the situation have identified Bettman's inflexibility as a large reason for the continued separation between the league and players' union.
Gift: Fruitcake -- the harder the better. Because nothing says "I really think you're a jackoff" quite as well as fruitcake.
The best ideas may be published during the holiday season.
URL for this story: http://www.urbantulsa.comhttp://www.urbantulsa.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A55360