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"Where to start? This is going to be fun.
Bad roads! Bandits! Guns! Scorpions! Evil predator drones that attack satellite phones! I could die! Oh my! Is he going to fuss incessantly if he breaks a nail? Suggestion. Reach between your legs, Teddy. Squeeze gently. Are there two small lumps and even a hint of an appendage? Because I doubt it.
" ..don't pretend your sad when I croak." (We won't).
"I don't believe in an afterlife." (No kidding).
"During the 1990s, I was the most frequently reprinted political cartoonist in The New York Times. They ran my op-eds. Then 9/11 happened." (DAMN the 9/11, and the way those 3,000 dead selfishly stole my glory!)
"I'm not whining" (That's all you do). "If they want to publish the worst political cartoons in the country, every Sunday in the Week in Review, they can." (But they don't, which is why they don't run yours).
"This also goes for USA Today, which wallows in cartoon crapitude day after day. You never ran one of my cartoons."(My cartoons are so bad, I can't even get them published in USA Today!)
"You thought I sucked". (you do) "Or you didn't have the guts to deal with angry readers." (It's called wanting to save print space for things people want to read, so they can sell papers).
"Either way: shut the @#$% up." (Vulgarity is the province of the imbecile).
"Newsweek publishes the worst cartoons by the worst cartoonists." (Which is why I sent them mine). "They ran me one time. Once! And it was a terrible cartoon .." (you never get a second chance to make a first impression).
"When I shed my mortal coil and shuffle off to the great open bar full of funny cartoonists and loose women in the sky, .." (Give me a break. A guy like Rall couldn't get laid walking through a whorehouse with five hundred dollar bills sticking out of both ears).
"I beg you to do me one last favor: say that I suck." (you got it) "Or, better yet, don't mention me at all." (Even better)."
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