"In breaking news from the U.S. Supreme Court –
At 3 PM today, April 1, 2012, the U.S. Supreme Court released its 8-1 decision in the Oklahoma v. Mario Brothers case. Citing its 1979 Addington v. Texas case, it extended its conviction standard of “clear and convincing evidence” to anyone with an Italian surname suspected of being a Mob hit man. Since no one can tell whether or not someone with an Italian surname is or is not a Mob hit man, if anyone feels “a reasonable threat” when a person with an Italian surname says, “Badda-bing badda-boom”, then the person with an Italian surname suspected of being a Mob hit man can be civilly incarcerated until the person with an Italian surname can prove that he or she is no longer a danger to society.
NPR legal correspondent, Ninny Totalbarge, explained it this way. “It’s just like gun control. It’s worth it if it can save just one life!” The lone dissenter on the High Court, Justice David Sutler, voted against the decision to protest the alleged threatening language. According to Justice Sutler, “Saying badda-bing-badda is sufficient to constitute a reasonable threat. There is no need to utter the redundant ‘boom’.”
Since the standard of reasonable threat is based Oklahoma mental health law, the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health will take custody of any person with an Italian surname suspected of being a Mob hit man. Ms. Lee Rachett, the Director of a facility in Tulsa, Oklahoma said, “We’re ready for them. We’re opening a new facility out in the stockyards for housing mental patients, or as we like to call them, consumers. This will open up our more secure facilities in town for suspected Mob hit men.”
The local District Attorney, Harvey Bent, swore, “We’ll keep them there, too. Enough of this namby-pamby “clear and convincing evidence” tripe. All we need is a preponderance of the evidence. If anyone even heard anyone else say a person with an Italian surname said even a little badda, that’s good enough for us! I’ve got a two-headed quarter that proves it.”