Boob Tube Bliss

Of all the crazy and backward things I've done to conserve skrill, there's one that, 100 percent of the time, gets either a gasp, a look of shock or one of these: "Wha?!"

I have no cable television service. I haven't had it since before I was married, five years ago.

I always feel like I have to explain why not. It's a strange feeling to be motivated to do that, mostly because I still haven't managed to come up with a plausible explanation for why I'm not participating in this country's most cherished medium of communication.

It's not because I'm waging some crusade against television and the barrage of advertising that happens there, and it's not because of the sex and violence and drug use and good old-fashioned ridiculousness depicted on the popular shows.

And it's not that I don't like to watch TV, because I do. At the homes of my well-adjusted peers, I find myself dropping out of conversation, lured into what's taking place in the glowing box that, in those places, always seems to be on and, therefore, doesn't distract anyone but the girl who doesn't understand the banter at the water cooler 60 percent of the time.

Fact is, I'm cheap. Like, really cheap--cheap and picky. If TV sucks one night and I know I'll pay for it later, even if it's just a buck per day, you can bet someone's going to hear a few choice words--words rated R, to be specific. I mean, I could have bought a candy bar or two with that dollar I wasted the night nothing worth watching was on the talking-head box, and I could always use an excuse to buy candy.

Or, if I put all the dollars together from all the days I spent watching crappy TV, I, like most of you able-bodied men and women out there, could buy a good bit of term life insurance. The kids today dig it when they don't have to pay for their parents' sarcophagi and spooky burial ceremonies, and they sure do like a fully funded account for college to snuggle before bedtime in your absence.

But, life insurance is another story for another time.

For now, let's talk about how to get score some quality TV-like viewing--some of it even better than TiVo--for pennies on the cable dollar.

DTV Converter Box. On June 12, what few channels we had went to snow. The digital conversion had finally happened, and ever since we've been without television.

Thanks to the next few options on this list, we haven't really noticed. But, plenty of folks out there enjoy being able to put their investment in a glow box to good use. To keep that TV running, head to dtv2009.gov and sign up for a coupon for a shiny, new digital conversion box. Don't waste any time. The deadline to apply for a coupon is July 31.

Congress created the TV Converter Box Coupon Program for households wishing to keep using their analog TV sets after broadcasters stopped using the airwaves.

From what I understand, a cable box can be obtained for $40 or less, so these coupons could mean the free redemption of your analog television. Shop around, but don't let 90 days pass from the day your coupon was mailed before you snag a converter box, or you'll be out of luck. Explore the dtv2009.gov Web site for more details.

Hulu. If you watched the Super Bowl earlier this year, you probably saw the zany Hulu commercial starring Alec Baldwin as an alien looking to liquify the brains of the Earthling population with free television viewing using, namely, Hulu.com.

The commercial was a bit shaky, but from my ever-growing experience, Hulu.com, what I like to think of as the Web-based version of TiVo, is not. It's how I get my regular dose of by wannabe boyfriend Conan O'Brien, as well as each new episode of the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. I even get to watch reruns of The Donna Reed Show. Don't tell anyone.

Thanks to the sale of advertisements, the viewing format of which the viewer gets to choose (!), Hulu.com also offers full-length movies, video clips, trailers, TV clips--basically, everything you've been hoping YouTube would deliver but decided to go the route of user-driven content instead. Check it out. It's totally, completely, brain-liquifyingly free.

Redbox. If you haven't yet used one, surely you've seen them--these six-feet-tall red boxes camped out at grocery and drug stores all across town. Those boxes are full of DVDs, friends. The selection can't be compared to traditional video rental services, but all the new releases are there, and they're only $1 to watch. Your part is to pick a movie, swipe your credit card and promise to have your DVD-of-choice back home before 9 the next evening.

It's hard to argue with something that costs a buck, but in case you haven't learned by reading this column already, you can't put it past me. The next time you're itching to hang around the house and watch a movie, check the 918 Coupon Queen Blog, at www.918couponqueenblog.com, for codes you can use to score a free DVD for the night. Codes are usually available on Mondays, and you get a free DVD when you sign up for the RedBox service online, at Redbox.com.

Netflix. For the low, low price of about $9 per month, you can get one DVD of your choice mailed to your house by the folks at Netflix. Watch it, send it back, and Netflix will send you the next movie in the cue you made at Netflix.com. Keep the movie for more than a day, though, or else the rate at which your cue turns over will mysteriously slow. Also, learn to clean a DVD--it's a valuable skill in today's world.

Or, check out the Watch Instantly tab on your Netflix user homepage. Your new release-of-choice might not be there, but thousands of other selections are, including what's playing on Starz that month. We've watched everything from The Twilight Zone to Some Like it Hot to Wall-E. It's definitely worth a look, as well as an extra-large computer monitor of the sort easily scored on Craigslist, and it's all cheaper than any cable premium movie channel package.

Tulsa City-County Library. For a price-of-entry of just $0, the steep cost of a library card these days, the library's entire collection of DVDs is at your disposal. Your favorite movie not at your nearest library location? Ask the librarian to have it sent from whichever Tulsa library has it at the moment. Sit back for a day or two until the library shoots you an e-mail to let you know your DVD has arrived at the library of your choice.

All of this runaround the Tulsa library just did for you is a free service, so feel free to take advantage. The library is just happy you thought of it, let alone that you're actually using it for something other than a high school term paper. Get it all at started online by searching the catalogue at TulsaLibrary.org.